Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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