All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
