I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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