We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i now understand why vodka
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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