she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
