Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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