I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
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