I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
