If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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