i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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