i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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