I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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