well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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