Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
