I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
