Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
