I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
