finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
