god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
