you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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