I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
