Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
