There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
