Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
