if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
