Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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