Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
