its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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