Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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