I can't breathe out the right side of my face
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
