My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Princesses don't give blow jobs
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
