Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
