god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
