you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
