Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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