Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
