; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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