R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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