My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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