No stitches, just platelets and will power
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
