Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
