You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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