i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He did a backflip because drugs
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