I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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