She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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