Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
i believe in u and ur pee
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
