I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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