i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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