Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
