she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
