that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
